Guide to Job

From RationalWiki

Job is the story of how God cut a no-bid contract with ~~Blackwater~~ Satan to lay some progressively greater hurt on him until he squealed and cussed God out. It was a test of faith. So first Satan sent a platoon of Sabeans in to take Job's asses and oxen and kill his servants. Next Satan dropped some napalm which took out all of Job's sheep and even more servants. Then Satan sent in three platoons of Chaldeans to take all his camels and kill the servants tending those. Finally Satan sent a squadron of angels over Job's flimsy little house, and the shockwave flattened the dwelling and killed all of Job's children.

But Job just shrugged and said he came into the world with nothing, and he would go out of th world with nothing. So Satan tried chemical warfare, which raised big ugly boils on Job. That didn't do it. Then some of Job's "friends" came along and counseled Job to curse God, but he wouldn't do it. He did go into a long diatribe about his miserable lot in life which would have made some great lyrics for the 12-bar blues:

"Let thistles grow instead of wheat, and cockle instead of barley.

Ohhhhh, let thistles grow instead of wheat, and cockle instead of barley.

The Lord done turned his back on me, the words of Job are ended."

[edit] Job fun

The Book of Job was the predecessor to Monty Hall's Let's Make A Deal. The reasons for it being retooled into Let's Make A Deal are quite evident. In the Book of Job, all of the doors had zonks behind them, and they were quite horrifying rather than cute. In addition, the only contestant was a man named Job who had to continually suffer the zonks, although he did win a big prize in the end.

TV producer Steven Bochco later optioned the Book of Job and turned it into an acclaimed police procedural drama, starring Dennis Franz as a cop who kept having partners and family members killed, and then wound up marrying the hottest woman in the entire station house. As of 2007, God, Satan, Steven Bochco, and Job's estate are in "legal appeal hell" (not affiliated with Satan's Hell) over royalties from the show.