User:Bootmii/Conservapedia:Toilet paper
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Toilet paper is paper specifically designed to remove traces of faeces from the human lower orifice after defecation. Toilet paper is designed to decompose in a septic tank after use, as opposed to facial tissues, which are not always by design able to do so.
Toilet paper is known by many names, some of which include "toilet roll", "dunny paper" and "bathroom tissue".
Ancient Use of Toilet Paper[edit]
Toilet paper has played a large roll in human history, without it, the world would surely have descended into chaos long ago. The earliest recorded use (or otherwise) of toilet paper was written by the Chinese scholar, Yan Zhitui during the year 589 AD CE.
“”Paper on which there are quotations or commentaries from Five Classics or the names of sages, I dare not use for toilet purposes
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Before widespread use of toilet paper, many humans would use less gentle methods such as leaves, grass or even seashells to deposit their excess leavings. In some cultures the left hand is exclusively employed for this purpose, making the use of the south paw for eating purposes culturally inappropriate. I mean, think about it. Or not.
Toilet Paper in the Modern Day[edit]
With the invention of the internet, toilet paper technology has advanced dramatically. Whereas in past eras people would wipe their excess excrement on sheets of paper, certain websites have assumed the same role. While much more convenient, the excrement remains in plain sight for all to see, this predicament is known as the "Online Septic Tank" issue.
Select groups see this problem as humorous, while at the same time believe the online septic waste should be dispatched to the sewer, where it belongs. If left unchecked, it is widely believed that the problem could lead to catastrophe of biblical proportions
Interesting Notes[edit]
Similar to sightings seen in food products and cloud formations, likenesses of the Virgin Mother have been seen in used toilet paper. Such sightings are said to fortell great mental problems to the beholder, as is the same with all sightings regardless of medium. Likenesses of George W. Bush have been seen in used and unused toilet paper, see George W. Bush Toilet paper.
Conservapedia is responsible for the decimation of approximately one third of all toilet paper manufacturing in the world. This is largely due to the amount of excrement deposited to said site instead of traditional methods of removing excess faeces.