Satanism

From RationalWiki

Satanism is the practice of bowing to the Dark Lord. It is widely misunderstood, and most practitioners feel that if more were known about it, there would be greater tolerance for the practice.

Contents 1 Beliefs 2 Practices 3 Afterlife 4 Antelife 5 LaVey Satanism 6 The kids-sacrificing-your-pets, backward-messages-in-heavy-metal kind of Satanism

[edit] Beliefs

Like most religions, there are a variety of beliefs, but a few precepts are agreed upon by all Satanists.

1. The Dark Lord is Master of All, and a snappy dresser.
2. Jesus is gay, or should be.
3. God is an invention of Satan to fool the unworthy.
4. Candles rule, especially black ones.

[edit] Practices

These vary from sect to sect. For example, the uninitiated believe that pedophagia (baby-eating) is essential to all practice. In fact, Satan-worship's relationship to pedophagia is very dependent on the sect. For instance, Californian Orthodox Satanists feel that pedophagia is insufficient sacrifice for the Dark One, and that kittens are far better, given that people like kittens more than children. The Satanist Union of Greenwich Village, however, feels pedophagia is only proper during the full moon in February, but that goats are tasty any day of the week.

The Midwest Chapter of The Satanist Union (Reformed) are officially affiliated with the Michigan Democratic Party, and as such they have renounced pedophagia in favor of smoking weed, but in some isolated areas of Michigan's Thumb, the older practice still prevails.

[edit] Afterlife

This is the afterlife. You just can't remember life, because the Dark Lord is the Great Deceiver.

[edit] Antelife

Before this life that we perceive, which is really the afterlife,, the spirit resided in the Rectum of All Souls. There it ripened, and was delivered in the daily "Flatuus Natorius". Without cleansing at birth, these souls are condemned to an eternal search for truth, and they smell bad.

[edit] LaVey Satanism

There is also an atheistic 'religion' (like Buddhism is a religion) named Satanism, or 'LaVey Satanism'. More detail can be found at their website. They are generally said to be named 'Satanism' to annoy Christians. It's basically Secular Humanism except dumber because they believe in magic. For the record, they officially frown on child and animal sacrifices, saying that we should all strive to be like children or animals. (Now, adult sacrifice seems to be totally cool, as long as the person pissed you off.)

[edit] The kids-sacrificing-your-pets, backward-messages-in-heavy-metal kind of Satanism

Oh, you were looking for an article on that kind of Satanism? See Satanic Panic.