Conservapedia:Best of Conservapedia

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This is the home for all-time classic Conservapedia nuttiness - the funniest, most stunningly ignorant, or saddest edits we've ever seen. They have been selected from What Is Going On at CP? where our illustrious members and random IP vandals have vetted and voted on their favorites.

The day-to-day updates of CP are over at WIGO and all new contenders should be added there. Entries are automatically moved here once their votes reach a particular threshold.

Archives: - 0706 -- 0707 -- 0708 -- 0709 -- 0710 -- 0711 -- 0801 -- 0802 -- 0803 -- 0804 -- 0805 -

Note to Readers: Due to conservative deceit, some page links from this page to Conservapedia may be broken.

[edit] July 2008

• A young mass murderer who wasn't motivated by atheism/evolution/black clothing? We can't have that!
• Don't worry, Jessica, my will is going to be enforced despite consensus as long as I have power here.
• Man-child Andy displays new levels of maturity.
• It's official folks, after 113 years of enmity, rugby league and rugby union are the same sport. Thanks Ed for clearing this up
• Stand well back, folks, Andy's using science! He thinks he's found serious flaws in Lenski's paper! Oh noes, irony meter redlines! He now has another reference he can use in his battle for the truth. And the flaws keep coming, up to 6 now and there's no sign of them stopping. Schlafly says he's publishing the flaws on Conservapedia and not PNAS out of "professionalism".
• Conservative deletes an article he created a copy-pasted SCCCS press release and recreates it with an odd remark. Why all the fuss? Maybe it's because the memory-holed reference in the old version contains some material Ken might feel uncomfortable with - such as Martin's account of the events or the fact that "Marty Field, the debate organizer and a Christian, was mortified by SCCCS' action and expressed amazement that Christians could act in such a unChristian way."
• QUESTION: "Karajou, you know you just blocked 65,000 IP's from ever editing Conservapedia right?" RESPONSE: "Yes, but I know they were all vandals" QUESTION: Don't you think that's a little extreme? RESPONSE: NO, I have my reasons. QUESTION/STATEMENT: You blocked almost 500,000 IPS from ever editing CP. Are you sure you know what you're doing? THREAT: I blocks whos I wants bitch... Now shut up or I'll block you too. UPDATE: KevinM gives Karajou a quick lesson on the nature of IP addresses. Karajou basically says, 'You're clueless.' KevinM - 'block me then, if you want, but you're an ass'. End: Kara fails at analogies, but gives only a week.
• So telling someone that "sentences" isn't spelled "sentances" is insulting and ban-worthy. At least he didn't spell it "Rutm."
• PJR pwns Andy once again (with a little help from Ed).
• The radioactivity debacle continues as Ed "I took two years of physics ( in high school half a century ago)" Poor states he had no idea radiation and radioactivity were not synonyms.
• As per usual, what he doesn't understand, he removes (read the edit remark). He also apparently doesn't understand planetary orbits or that people contribute to things. Update: When confronted by another editor? His response. UPDATE: The editor replies - and gets a one-month block Related: Three editors understood the material, but that doesn't mean there was a consensus - one month for this revert He's on fire: Wandering chimes in (see edit comment) and gets one week for personal remarks and some personal remarks of his own.
• "Dear Kevin, thanks for fixing eleventy billion double-redirects after Ed left a mess - you're a hard worker, so please accept this block for vague and silly reasons as a gift. Love, Andy."
• We can't even make this stuff up, folks. It's too good. Ken informs Andy he found a site with user stats. And the site informs us that the visitors bear an enormous resemblance to visitors to Landover Baptist, a parody of the religious right, and the Discovery Institute. And awww.... look at the traffic details. Good find, Ken.
• Chapter 9437 of the Lenski discussion: "Your questions are very interesting, but since I have no idea what you're talking about, I will ignore you until you agree with me. Godspeed!"
• Ultimatehero's last stand in the battle to have Mormonism recognised as yet another nutjob religion is deep-sixed by The Mexican.
• "History" teacher Assfly points out that "before the Civil War there were many blacks who were not slaves and, of course, blacks have always met the constitutional qualifications to be president." It's amazing the lengths some go to defend a falsehood.. Indeed Andy, indeed. For once we agree with you. [1]
• The heck with feeding the poor, building homes, curing disease or any of that other Liberal Fluff - this Conservapedia Challenge is the top priority for the betterment of society!
• Uncle Ed: I don't understand your contributions, so they are possibly misleading. Update: CP claims that it doesn't drive away experts, but then we get crap like "Email me proof of [your Ph.D. in mathematics], before you post anywhere but your own user talk page." - and Andy dishes out a block because of this. Update: "I don't get it" is deletion criteria. Update: Ed the maths expert deletes one of the most important pages because he does not understand it.
• Apparantly, Wikipedia omits any mention of Isaac Newton's religious fervor, according to Aschlafly. Obviously this entire section of the main Newton article and this entire article dedicated to Newton's religious views don't exist, then. UPDATE:Jimmy has the audacity to suggest that Aschlafly's comments may not be entirely accurate. Good ol' Uncle Ed decides that Jimmy's just wrong. And that this earns a block.
• Daphnea leaves a parthian shot. & Bungler bans for life (see also user:SusanG/Daphnea for a full Parthian.) CPAdmin1 disagrees with Bungler and unblocks.
• Wheel war!

[edit] June 2008

• PJR on Ed's talk: "These (part) sections were archived too. Leaving /part/ of a conversation here making it look like a claim wasn't answered could be considered deceitful, and we wouldn't want that, would we?"
  Ed: Actually, I would want that. Bugger off. UPDATE: Trouble in paradise, PJR completely pwns Uncle Ed
• CP in a nutshell.
  JDavidson: "Hi Ed, I was given a warning while the sysop who did the same thing I did got away without anything. Are you going to warn him, too?"
  Ed: *blocks*
  Wandering: "Why did you block him? He just pointed out that Kara wasn't warned despite having committed the same violation..."
  Ed: *blocks*
  
• Still taking a pounding from the Lenski Debacle, Andy has returned to his second favorite pastime: threateningusers and whitewashing anything that makes him look stupid
• This site is growing rapidly! Reality has such a liberal bias.
• The kissing-up meter reaches level "brown", and will soon break when honorary Conservapedian and Conservative Award Nominee Phyllis Schlafly is presented with the Phyllis Schlafly Award for conservativism.
• Yes, clearly this pillar of genius was worthy of block rights.
• Professor Lenski pwns Schlafly, BSE, JD; overuses the word "acolyte". Summary of reply to request: We will of course release the data and the raw materials to competent scientists, though if you had bothered to learn to read you would see it is all in the paper. Summary of pwnage: too wonderful to summarize. Read it yourself. Taking bets on how long it takes for "angry outbursts" to make the professor values list. (A temporary copy of Dr. Lenski's reply is here, since Conservapedia seems to be having trouble processing http: requests tonight in a timely fashion.) Update:Yep, talk about the attitude, dismiss the data, makes perfect sense logically.

• Note: This entry broke all WIGO "voting" records, having risen to over "+100" in a matter of two days.

• Completely lacking any of the intellectual tools needed to participate in a debate, let alone ever win one, Conservative takes the George Aiken response to getting pwned by StatsMsn: declare victory and leave. Update: But what do you do when the debate continues? Easy: Misrepresent results, pretend you're not interested, fling out thinly veiled insults and rely on Andy to take care of things while your opponent does pretty much the opposite of last wordism.
• Since Lenski hasn't responded in 48 hours, Andy declares this a refusal to release the data and will now contact the editor-in-chief of the journal PNAS because the journal must have violated its own policies. Update: Andy's own dubious "scientific facts" are called into question. Andy decides he doesn't like all the talk pollution. But wait, there's more: Assfly cranks the irony generator to 11.
• Oh noes, Crocite is gone! Now who will post up all those blog entries news headlines??
• Upon leaving the polling station, some voters have reported being set upon by a besuited goon. Just another day of wonderful Conservapedian justice. Incidentally: StatsFan has been blocked under the 90/10 rule four times now -- he's breaking the 90/10:4/1 rule! Get 'im, boys! UPDATE: WERD.
• Karajou pwned by PJR. Nice one, Philip!
• Conservapedia's average IQ takes a hit as DanH quits in protest over the attempts to portray Obama as less than fully Christian.
• DanH is really not thrilled about CP's apparent position on the Obama-Muslim issue.
• Congratulations, sysops Joaquín Martínez and Learn together. You finally managed to make Tom snap after weeks of endless sysop power abuse and refusal to discuss editorial direction - with predictable results. Update: Aziraphale gets gunned down for not cheering on the sysops. Uh, okay: Henry engages in damage control and reasons that if people can't complain, they can't be banned for complaining. Update: In the meantime, JM pretends that nothing ever happened.
• PJR, as he is wont to do, says the right thing.
• Schlafly shows us the meaning of the word diligence. "I skimmed the paper, and the learned nothing from the pretty pictures. Therefore, clearly I need to skim more data." Also I don't need no biology, bitch. I'm an ENGINEER! Update Andy cops some straight talking from PJR. Update the third: Quoth Assfly "that's totally and absolutely not my transparently obvious motivation for doing this. And I'll block and revert anyone who says otherwise."
• Can you sense a pattern? Update - or not?
• There no need to fear! Signed, the Trusworthy Encyclopedia.
• How to edit an article, Joaquín Martínez style: Revert anything that happened since your last edit and continue from there. Rinse, repeat. Oh, and keep ignoring the other editors. Update: A reply! JM claims that Tom didn't "give explanations or wait for a reply"(!!!) More: Learn Together solves the conflict by only allowing JM to edit. Update: Tom is not allowed to ask Andy for input Oh, my: JM and Tom exchange blows... (scroll down to the first horizontal line) once, before JM realizes that he lost and resorts to silly taunts and threats. Full Circle: Tom asks if there are any other objections... and JM replies by silently protecting the article again. Update: Learn Together to the rescue: JM is "a man of the arts" and shouldn't be pestered by lowly editors like you, Tom!
• Mistake or being a dick? With TerryH, it has become impossible to tell, but either way, one day magically became one month. Update: TerryH confirms that it was dickery: "No accident"
• Wasn't it <sorry> Hitler </sorry> and Stalin who compiled lists of their enemies? Or was it the Mikado "I've got a little list... and you'll surely not be missed ..."?
• So far, the list is surprisingly honest. Update: liberals are infertile sluts.
• Oh. My. God. The whole user talk page reeks of abuse by TerryH, including little bits like HenryS gleefully wanting to toss around blocks. Discussion, Conservapedia style. Update TerryH goes spare threatens everyone with blocks if they all don't grovel to him and blocks Aggrieved for two weeks for "Contempt of the administration".
• Did anyone else notice this gem - "Since many liberal men get bossed around by their feminist liberal wives, it appears likely many liberal men may be eating creamy peanut butter even though they prefer crunchy peanut butter deep down." - !??!?!?!
• No such thing as bad publicity: Andy proudly advertises that even the military makes fun of him.
• According to TerryH, giving the "enemy combatants" held at Guantanamo Bay any sorts of rights will inevitably lead to a new terror attack. (2-for-1 "Lulz": The mere fact that you are held at Guantanamo Bay is evidence of your guilt - there are no innocents.) Update: Terry goes on and claims that every single released Guantanamo Bay prisoner "has turned up doing exactly the same thing again—killing Americans." Somebody doubts this and gets a nice "Prove me wrong with citations, apologize, or be banhammered!" letter in return. Later: DanH chimes in. Why do I get the impression that he's restraining himself 'cause Terry's a fellow sysop. update: Jimmy says what everyone's been thinking.
• Andy's written a letter to Prof. Lenski contesting his E.Coli experimental data. Philip points out that he might not be the best person to write such a letter, not being a scientist. Andy, however, doesn't afraid of anything and thinks he's a pretty cool guy. We're sure Prof. Lenski will jump right on this. Update: Andy pulls a Kenny and issues his challenge on the main page. Update: The professor has responded. More update: "Lenski's reply did not provide the data as requested."
• Aziraphale returns and tries to help by pointing out the implications of a quote... only to end up getting randomly insulted by Ken while Ed watches. Update: Best. Reply. EVER. Moer lulz: Sir, ah say, sir! Az bitch slaps Kenny with his duelling debating glove and demands satisfaction! And our hero bottles it!!!111!!!11ONE1!!
• What makes a good parable? Good Samaritans and prodigal sons? Shite, says Andy. A homeless guy and dog poop, that's the ticket!
• Obama's "57 states" misstatement couldn't have been a mere unintentional verbal gaffe of the sort made by everyone every day. No it was a coded remark showing he is actually a Muslim. Of course, we all know he just likes beans.
• Andy shows us how to deal with adversity like a grown up. You're an inspiration to us all, Andy.
• More evidence that Andy can't read. And people trust him to teach their kids? Update Thank you, Alice. I can respond, now that you've explained it to me.
• Schlafly is not only an expert on Constitutional Law, All Things Medical, American Politics, Australian Politics, British Politics, New Zealand Politics, Education, Liberal-Spotting, Hollywood, Academia, The Bible, Tasteful Mockery, Senatorial Misconduct and Proper Spelling For Women's Names.... He knows everything there is to know about Ireland too, Bitches!
• Words just can't express the stupid.
• Doctors say ectopic pregnancies are usually fatal.... But Andy found one example where it wasn't. This proves that doctors don't know a thing.... only lawyers have true medical insight. But those lawyers don't always know their rules of plurality. Bonus: Pwned with Liberal Logic.
• Ed Poor to TomMoore: "You aren't allowed to just delete stuff from your talk page, you must archive it! Sure, several sysops don't do it or openly say that they reserve the right to not archive stuff, but you must. PS: Writing plan now or die." UPDATE: Tom is foolish enough to think that Ed might be interested in justice. Update again: Tom realizes that Ed sneakily made his Writing Plan a CP rule some time ago and quits. Congrats, Ed, your mission was a complete success. :/ (Image backup, just in case) Surprise update: Learn Together says that Ed Poor takes his words back and "hopes that no offense is taken". Uhh... right. Wandering immediately asks the obvious question why Ed couldn't even be arsed to do this himself (which is a damn good question when you consider that Ed had been active at the time of LT's statement...). The reply sorta makes sense, but it still looks as if Ed can't be arsed to apologize for bullying (and note how LT's message contains no actual admission of bullying... it all just "turned out differently in retrospect than he had first envisioned when he wrote it"). Conclusion(?): Tom's back!
• "I have seen evidence of my crazy assertion, but I refuse to show it to you" Finally managed to get a response And... uh oh, dissent?
• Ah, Andy never disappoints. It seems "clear[ing] out liberal fluff" now involves removing the plaintiffs and reasons for the decision in a legal case, and replacing them with easily-debunked lies. How did Andy pass the bar again, and did it involve kneepads? Bonus Snark It's the mark of a good manager to ride roughshod over contributions agreed by your own editors and sysops. Well done! Update: Jimmy is not amused... Update: "legal reasoning is not as important as the outcome" - wait, what? How did this guy even get into law school, let alone pass the bar? MORE MORE MORE: Even when he's been beaten senseless on every point, the Assfly has many tricks. Ah, an old favorite: accuse an editor of ignorance and repeat the same shit over and over again
• Kenservative gets all excited over "a potential link between atheism and suicide", based on a Reverend's sermon from over 100 years ago. Lol!