Conservapedia:Conservative parables

From RationalWiki

Andy's quaint little bedtime stories also known as Conservative parables, are a part of Andy's attempt to remove Liberal bias from the bible. When the King Andy Bible is released based on his new official translation of the bible all the old Liberal stories will be replaced with good Conservative ones. The only problem is the stories Jesus told in the older translations had a clear moral, on the other hand Conservative parables are a little more open for debate. So here users can place their own interpretation on the meaning of these stories.

Biblical historian have found that formally unknown Gnostic Gospels exist of the conservative parables. These have been rejected by mainstream Conservapedians.

Unfortunately due to a fire at the Library of Alexandyria (get it, Alexandria, Alex-Andy-Ria) on the 4th of September 2008, the original manuscripts (the diff links) have been lost. RationalWiki also appears now to be the only place that houses a copy of the Gnostic Gospels.

Contents 1 The Desperate Smoker 1.1 Possible moral 2 The Missing Child 2.1 Possible moral 3 The Fasting Woman 3.1 Possible moral 4 The Troubled Pregnancy 4.1 Possible moral 5 The Lost $40 5.1 Possible moral 6 The Flop 6.1 Possible moral 7 The Difficult Science Problem 7.1 Possible moral 8 The Wall 8.1 Possible moral 9 Welfare 9.1 Possible moral 10 The Drowning Man 10.1 Possible moral 11 The University Assignment 11.1 Possible moral 12 The Conservative Conference 12.1 Possible moral 13 The Atheist and the Believer 13.1 Possible moral 14 The Convert 14.1 Possible moral 15 See also 16 Footnotes

[edit] The Desperate Smoker

Plot Summary: A person behind the customer being served doesn't give him the change he needs to buy a packet of cigarettes.

[edit] Possible moral

• Charity is immoral. --Kels 09:25, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
• Alternate moral "They'll only use it for something bad" is a good excuse to get out of parting with one thin dime. --Kels 09:26, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
• Conservatives are as charitable as anyone, they just don't like to spend any of their own money doing it. Genghis^{Gum disease} 10:26, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
• Only when someone is at your mercy can you then impose your views upon them. 3.14159 02:46, 14 June 2008 (EDT)
• Avoid convenience stores that don't have a "pennies for everyone" tray. Stile4aly 15:28, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
• "This actually happened" is an adequate citation footnote on Conservapedia. weaseLOId^{bite me} 14:58, 17 August 2008 (EDT)
• Don't panhandle for cigarettes. EVDebs 23:24, 21 September 2008 (EDT)
• Conservatives think smokers don't know how silly and unhealthy their addictive habit is.--Damo^Hi 07:53, 3 October 2008 (EDT)

[edit] The Missing Child

Plot Summary: Delinquent child doesn't come home from school on time, when mother finds said child they say something pithy.^[1]

[edit] Possible moral

• Paranoid women have a very bad time being mothers (the child was, apparently, only 15 minutes late, but the mother was 'beside herself with anxiety' and 'afraid to leave the house in case the child returns, and desperate to go look for her' and also 'on the verge of telephoning the police'). Zmidponk 10:10, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
• There is absolutely no moral in this story. None whatsoever. Jellyfish!^{Slime on the beach. Don't step on it!} 11:37, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
• You don't have to comfort your neighbors because your idiot children will do it for you. Stile4aly 15:28, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
• Why is a little girl walking home from school? --*Gen. S.T. Shrink* ^{Get to the bunker} 00:31, 8 July 2008 (EDT)

• HOMESCHOOL YOUR KIDS!!!!!!!!!--*Gen. S.T. Shrink* ^{Get to the bunker} 00:31, 8 July 2008 (EDT)

• Point shmoint. Brainless glurge is its own moral. EVDebs 23:34, 21 September 2008 (EDT)
• Eh... um... sometimes people aren't where you think they are, and it confuses people? --wwwwolf (barks/growls) 17:25, 27 November 2008 (EST)

[edit] The Fasting Woman

Plot Summary: Women who hasn't had enough to eat and is tired shoots fellow gun owner.

[edit] Possible moral

• Fasting makes you forget the Ten Commandments ('thou shalt not kill'). Zmidponk 10:10, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
• Always carry a concealed handgun to church. Genghis^{Gum disease} 11:29, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
• Why the hell was she fasting? And what did that have to do with the gun? Ummm...Don't force your religion on others and they won't shoot up your church? --*Gen. S.T. Shrink* ^{Get to the bunker} 00:03, 30 June 2008 (EDT)
• Largely defensive weapons of gun work best when you're delirious with hunger. Stile4aly 15:28, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
• Who cares about training and expertise? God will provide. Especially if you're a security professional with a background in firearms training. EVDebs 23:32, 21 September 2008 (EDT)
• Conservatives are everywhere. They may be undernourished, but they've got guns in their bags. Fear them. --wwwwolf (barks/growls) 17:25, 27 November 2008 (EST)

[edit] The Troubled Pregnancy

Plot Summary: Sick woman gives birth to a sick child that grows up to win the Heisman trophy.

[edit] Possible moral

• If you want your child to be a good footballer think about aborting it.3.14159 06:57, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
  • Also, despite Andy's claim to the contrary, the abortion and the fact he was homeschooled are mentioned in his Wikipedia biography. 3.14159 09:09, 25 November 2008 (EST)
• Abortion is always wrong because it's sometimes wrong. Jellyfish!^{If I had to choose between the continued possibility of nothing happening and of doing nothing, I would unquestionably choose the latter.} 11:37, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
• If you decide against abortion and your child ends up severely disabled rather than growing up to be a Heisman trophy winner it's because you're a bad person and God hates you. Stile4aly 15:28, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
• Sometimes selfish zealots get lucky. EVDebs 23:33, 21 September 2008 (EDT)

[edit] The Lost $40

Plot Summary: Bloke loses 40 bucks and after a while rationalises losing his money.

[edit] Possible moral

• With enough badgering you can make people agree with you that 6x8=40 3.14159 06:57, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
• If you're poor enough that losing $40 matters significantly to you, JUST WORK HARDER, BITCH!!!! Zmidponk 10:12, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
• Andy needs to fix the hole in his pocket. Jellyfish!^{Quite possibly a fruitcake} 11:37, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
• Never ever give money to your children. Stile4aly 15:28, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
• Don't give anything to anybody, because they'll only go & lose it. Make them work for it instead. weaseLOId^{bite me} 14:32, 17 August 2008 (EDT)
• Time is fungible and anyone who isn't on the clock is slacking. EVDebs 23:37, 21 September 2008 (EDT)

[edit] The Flop

Plot Summary: Athlete having trouble with a new high jump method everyone else is using, makes an adjustment to an old one and wins himself an Olympic gold medal, everyone begins to copy him.

[edit] Possible moral

• Um. Sometimes people are wrong? Jellyfish!^{Do I contradict myself? Very well then, I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes.} 07:26, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
• Accept new ideas that are proven to be true. Like evolution and the Big Bang. Zmidponk 10:10, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
• Andy can read into his sources anything he wants to squeeze his world view into a story. 3.14159 02:42, 14 June 2008 (EDT)
• The more you're mocked the more Andy pretends to care. Barikada 15:20, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
• The human body has been designed by God to jump backwards over high bars. Stile4aly 15:28, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
• Stick to your ideas, no matter how stupid everyone else thinks they are. weaseLOId^{bite me} 14:38, 17 August 2008 (EDT)

[edit] The Difficult Science Problem

Plot Summary: Stupid kid finds answer in the back of the book.

[edit] Possible moral

• The true conservative way is not to think for yourself but find everything on Conservapedia. 3.14159 06:57, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
• Wrong, 3.14. The moral of this story is "Scientists don't listen to the truth, so if a given idea is ignored by the scientific community, it must be right". Jellyfish!^{Make me a bureaucrat!} 07:26, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
• If you can't work out the answer for yourself, look it up in a book and claim it was your work. Zmidponk 10:10, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
• "Open book" tests are a bad idea. ħuman ^woo 23:37, 16 June 2008 (EDT)
• When dealing with the most difficult problem of the year, you should always listen to the student who has been incapable of handling any prior assignments. Thinking for yourself is overrated, anyway. Stile4aly 15:28, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
• Take the biggest fucktard in the class, follow him blindly, and hope to god it works. --*Gen. S.T. Shrink* ^{Get to the bunker} 00:20, 8 July 2008 (EDT)
• Cookbook answers aren't plagiarism. EVDebs 23:22, 21 September 2008 (EDT)

[edit] The Wall

Plot Summary: Ronald Reagan wants a wall to fall down, he waits a while and it happens.

[edit] Possible moral

• Make sure you say something that is inevitable loudest so you look right when it happens. 3.14159 06:57, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
• Reagan smash! --Edgerunner⁷⁶ 09:22, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
• Always claim credit for making something happen, based purely on the fact you said it should happen a considerable time previously, even if you had absolutely no involvement in making it happen. Zmidponk 10:10, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
• Enough people screaming your praises simultaneously will drown dissent. --λινυσ^(☮) 23:17, 12 June 2008 (EDT)
• Ronald Reagan was a Pink Floyd fan. ħuman^{ly possible} 23:44, 29 June 2008 (EDT)
• Ronald Reagan's prophecy was second in importance only to Isaiah. Stile4aly 15:28, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
• Reagan won the cold war with rhetoric alone, and all this crap about destabilizing governments who wouldn't bend over for us and then using the arms race to run the USSR into the poorhouse while it was dying on the vine anyway doesn't matter. (Not that it didn't happen. It just isn't important.) EVDebs 23:27, 21 September 2008 (EDT)

[edit] Welfare

Plot Summary: A child who wants to be a visionary president is hampered by Andy's own cynicism.

[edit] Possible moral

• Andy can win arguments (against a child) by using Last Wordism. 3.14159 21:26, 12 June 2008 (EDT)
• The poor can't afford dignity. --Kels 21:39, 12 June 2008 (EDT)
• Children, being trusting, are easily inveigled. Take advantage of this frequently. --λινυσ^(☮) 23:15, 12 June 2008 (EDT)
• Not having to care for others makes for a good political party advertisement. NightFlare^{Still doesn't have a RWW article.} 23:22, 12 June 2008 (EDT)
• Be sure to crush the naive dreams and noble goals of an optimistic child early in their youth to better turn them to the dark side Republican party. --Arcan ¡ollǝɥ 00:57, 13 June 2008 (EDT)
• Don't play in the grass out back of Andy's house. It's filthy. ħuman ^{be in}
• Also: Child labor is the solution to the problem of homelessness. ħuman ^waste 23:39, 16 June 2008 (EDT)
• No one, under any circumstances, ever needs help from the government. Stile4aly 15:28, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
• Conservatives think you can build a house with 5 bucks. --*Gen. S.T. Shrink* ^{Get to the bunker} 00:11, 8 July 2008 (EDT)
• Remember, kids, charity is for chumps. Resort to exploitation instead so you get an ROI. EVDebs 23:25, 21 September 2008 (EDT)

[edit] The Drowning Man

Plot Summary: A drowning man has the misfortune of encountering two party hacks.^[2]

[edit] Possible moral

• Liberals have the ability to hold both ends of a rope simultaneously, through evil powers brought about by their belief in relativity and high dimensions. Be careful. --λινυσ^(☮) 23:22, 12 June 2008 (EDT)

• I like Linus' other suggestion; "A conservative is more fabulous than a liberal by virtue of being cheap." 3.14159 02:33, 14 June 2008 (EDT)

• Conservatives have a tendency to give too little and stipulate the receiver be responsable for the rest, whereas Liberals have a tendency to give too much without effective regulation or management. Uchiha^KATON! 01:23, 13 June 2008 (EDT)
  • You realize you're not supposed to answer them sensibly, right, Uchiha? _Essayist RA ^Talk __Fruitcake! 02:52, 14 June 2008 (EDT)
    • Oops... :D

I was sort of thinking that one would probably be removed fairly soon anyway. Uchiha^KATON! 23:08, 16 June 2008 (EDT)

• I'd rather be rescued by a guy with too much rope than too little. Oh, wait, that was sensible... no it wasn't, because the libtard threw the whole rope in after me, didn't he? ħuman ^{be in}
• If you need fifty feet of rope, call this guy. He still has it. ħuman ^troll 23:42, 16 June 2008 (EDT)
• Don't go swimming with Andy.
• Neither Conservatives nor Liberals understand what the hell emergency services are for. Barikada 15:25, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
• Andy is incapble of recognizing parody. Stile4aly 15:28, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
• The liberal lets go of the ends - but holds the middle of the rope thereby demonstrating that conservatives only see what they want to see.
• Conservatives are bastards and liberals are morons. (Seriously, if this was supposed to make some sort of positive point about conservatism, it fails miserably.) EVDebs 23:29, 21 September 2008 (EDT)
• Posting a really funny joke as the most profound wisdom you've thought of is often a good first step out of idiocy. (Shame Andy hasn't taken this as a routine.) --wwwwolf (barks/growls) 17:25, 27 November 2008 (EST)

[edit] The University Assignment

Plot Summary: A student gets a bad grade, so he annoys a lot of people until it is changed and then writes about it on Conservapedia.

[edit] Possible moral

• Don't use Conservapedia as a reference. π 03:26, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
• CollegeRepublican is struggling at Harvard but the hint of a nice bequest from Grandma saves the day. Genghis^{Gum disease} 12:56, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
• Being loud and irritating is better than being right.Shangrala 13:02, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
• Anyone who disagrees with a conservative is wrong, and you just have to whine long enough to get someone else to realize this. Stile4aly 15:12, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
• No matter what you believe, someone on the internet agrees with you. Whine and complain until your teachers do, too. Barikada 15:16, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
• Department chairs will do anything to get whiny undergrads out of their office.PFoster 00:58, 8 July 2008 (EDT)
• I wrote this under the guise of JJacob, it earned me blocked rights, I blocked Aschlafly. Ace McWicked^whisky 23:22, 15 August 2008 (EDT)
  • Well there is an alternative moral "Andy can't spot parody". π 23:25, 15 August 2008 (EDT)
  • New Possible Moral: Mr 3.14159 over here likes to edit conflict people by writing the exact same thing they were going to say. Urge to kill... rising... Jellyfish!^{Doors in the rudders of big ships} 23:27, 15 August 2008 (EDT)
• Accusations of liberal bias may help underachieving conservative students screw the system. Also "petioned" is a word, apparently. weaseLOId^{bite me} 14:50, 17 August 2008 (EDT)
• Don't study politics - study natural or mathematical sciences, because they have less room for interpretation by political-minded lecturers. How about biology or physics? --wwwwolf (barks/growls) 17:25, 27 November 2008 (EST)

[edit] The Conservative Conference

Plot Summary: A bunch of conservatives laugh in the face of danger and fly a week after 9/11.

[edit] Possible moral

• Andy is the most courageous man in the world as he flew in an airplane which was checked to government safety standards. π 22:47, 15 August 2008 (EDT)
• Conservatives recognize that if everyone else is scared of terrorists then they can manipulate that fear to their own benefit. Stile4aly 23:15, 15 August 2008 (EDT)
• Conservative types should just ignore things like 9/11 and not let them affect their lives at all. weaseLOId^{bite me} 14:55, 17 August 2008 (EDT)
• Fearmongers never believe their own press. EVDebs 23:35, 21 September 2008 (EDT)
• Fearmongers sure look dumb when they have to say "Look, I did what I warned you about, and I wasn't killed by terrorists after all!", but since they are conservatives, they are to be praised for their courage of coming out and saying it! --wwwwolf (barks/growls) 17:25, 27 November 2008 (EST)

[edit] The Atheist and the Believer

Plot Summary: A short (possibly truncated) conversation end with a believer saying something^[3]

[edit] Possible moral

• Always get the last word in and if they try to say something "Banhammer". π 22:50, 15 August 2008 (EDT)
• Andy has no concept of how any belief systems other than his own are formed. Stile4aly 23:15, 15 August 2008 (EDT)
• Whoever has the most beliefs wins! Antifly 14:34, 17 August 2008 (EDT)
• It's OK to not understand things properly but still believe them unquestioningly. weaseLOId^{bite me} 14:56, 17 August 2008 (EDT)
• Conservatives have a twisted superior sense of humor, which Liberals just don't get. (Editor at) CP:^{no intelligence allowed} 18:46, 17 August 2008 (EDT)
• Quisquis Yoda dictum, altum videtur. EVDebs 01:57, 5 October 2008 (EDT)
• Zen koans are meant to provoke a deep profound understandings of the nature of all things. Andymentalist Christian koans are meant to provoke a deep sense of understanding of "that atheist guy is being made lame and cheap fun of, and I'm supposed to sympathise with the Christian guy, even if his insight isn't exactly profound." --wwwwolf (barks/growls) 17:25, 27 November 2008 (EST)

[edit] The Convert

Plot Summary: A young disabled child goes to university a fairly normal Lefty student, mellows with age, and wins the Nobel Prize for Economics for a theory that requires assumptions that may not be true under real world conditions^[4][5].

[edit] Possible moral

• Theoretical results that agree with Andy's world view are only attacked by liberals. π 18:33, 17 August 2008 (EDT)
• Being awarded the Nobel Prize is actually a diss. DickTurpis 18:36, 17 August 2008 (EDT)
• Math is absolutely useless to economics. -- Gen. S.T. Shrink ^{Get to the bunker} 18:55, 17 August 2008 (EDT)
• The "Nobel prize in economics" isn't a real Nobel prize, anyway, so STFU. ħuman^culous 02:29, 18 August 2008 (EDT)
• JPANDS is evidently the world's foremost economic journal. Stile4aly 18:42, 25 August 2008 (EDT)
• Who cares about facts when we've got echo chambers? EVDebs 23:20, 21 September 2008 (EDT)

[edit] See also

• Liberal parables

[edit] Footnotes

1. ↑ This is a minor parable
2. ↑ This is a minor parable
3. ↑ This is a minor parable
4. ↑ Just like all academic research really
5. ↑ PhDComics - May or may not apply to reality